a tragic hero

Just back from crying my eyes out over Snape. I knew there was something in him and I fought for him when everyone thought he was bad. I felt justified when I read the book, but in front of the film I just got a whole new understanding of Snape as the real hero. The value of the tragic hero.

Today started fun, stepped up into hilarious and then twisted me up and threw me in front of myself. Ow.

We did couples dancing. Ballet and then African dance. I had more fun than I’ve had in ages, dancing with Christy and then a couple of the others. Looking into each others faces and looking out at the audience and just playing with the music. He said the first time that I was, ‘so subtle’ in his sarcastic voice, meaning I was so far from subtle. Then the second time that I was so boring that he ‘didn’t give a tiny milligram of shit’.

Water off a duck’s back. I know I wasn’t funny. I had fun with my friends dancing. Its ok.

He also used possibly my favourite insult so far, ‘funny…in Australia.’ (that was about someone else)

Then (after 'loo loo break') he got us to change into another person’s costume and mimic them. I dressed as the alter boy at first.

Watching them was something brilliant. To see the girl who has been so terrified and heavy with her feelings (although occasionally beautiful because of how much she shows of herself) step out of it and mimic someone entirely different, so perfectly and hilariously.

There was moment after moment of complete genius as people stood up in each others costumes and did the classic gesture, the one phrase which shone last week, the smile, the dance move. We were shrieking with laughter. People I had never seen suddenly shone today.

some of the half-costumed audience

Dustin wore my gorilla costume did me. And it was awful. At first I thought, ‘he’s just doing generic girl. That’s not me.’ Then I realised that everyone around me was laughing, that big laugh of recognition.

One of the guys, his face flushed with the laughing looked at me and mouthed, ‘that’s you,’ the delight in identification all over him.

So humiliating to realise I look that girly and stupid.

I understand that what he did was completely loveable. The audience adored him (and not just because of the recognition, also because he was shining).

And I think one option for me now is to learn how to have pleasure with that idiot part of myself that Dustin showed. To be light with myself, as Gaulier keeps telling us.

But there’s this struggle first: there is a part of me who does not want to be an idiot. Wants to hold up my hand in people’s face and say, ‘I will not ever look that stupid ever again.’ So I strode down to the train station with that feeling busting inside me. I know I can’t do this clown thing without doing something about that feeling. And today it was to cry. Suzanna walked next to me.

And I did some of my crying. Cried as I walked and on the platform waiting for the train and again on the train. It’s a harsh, defensive, furious little part of myself which doesn’t feel very pleasant to show. People are all so cute and well meaning and full of funny advice and sympathy that I'm not looking for. I wasn't particularly friendly with them

But Christy and Luke both hold me (sometimes only with their eyes) and I feel recognised and respected and loved.

So, I still don’t know how to get past myself.

But it feels like the opposite of awful right now.

And tomorrow I’m going to meet Dustin for lunch and maybe he’ll tell me something about me that he noticed. And maybe he won’t and that will be ok.