"you yourself are not horrible"

I missed class yesterday because of how I was in Venice and everything.

my balcony in venice

I noticed again today how much Gaulier leaves it up to us to come up with something that works. Occasionally he gives very clear direction but most of the time it’s so open.

A girl, looking for feedback, asks, “What do you want?”

He answers: “Me I don’t want anything – but if you give something I am happy.”

Someone else gets a little more detail: “A clown never do real pissed off, like cancer in your stomach. Do pissed off for the fun, with the pleasure like you have just been kissed.”

The exercise today was to come on stage with a friend and have a really fun time with the audience.

That’s all.

But then we have to remember the layers of everything we have learned so far: have pleasure, be sensitive, listen to the flop, move between major and minor etc etc.

We all forget these basics all the time. He drills us how much we have to work together with our partner: “You have to be with your friend like you are the three musketeers: all for one and one for all.”

I am more afraid to get up than I have been since the course started. Partially because I missed yesterday so I feel a little on the edge of the stream, and partially because this exercise is so open it feels like a void I might fall into.

Eventually Christy and I agree to go up together. Behind the curtain we whisper to each other: "let’s remember to like each other and take turns.”

We head out onto the stage and have a try. There are a few laughs. We do like each other and we do take turns and he lets us run for a while.

When he hits the drum to stop us, he says, “That was absolutely awful, what you did. Horrible.”

We stand, still and small beside each other looking back at him.

“Now.” He says, “Now, like this, we love you.”

I know what he means. Arghhh. I am back here again. Having pushed too hard and not been sensitive with the audience. But…

“But I’m scared that if I am like this I will be boring” I say, with the tears just warm at the back of my throat. Christy reaches for my hand.

“You, you yourself are not horrible." He looks at me over the top of his drum, "You are lovely. But what you just did was horrible.”

After a moment, he gets us to say, “Goodbye everybody” in time with each other without looking. I feel Christy breathe in beside me and we speak with the exact same tone.

People laugh and I feel loved.

Christy and I walk and talk together afterwards and get sweet treats from the bakery. I have a moment of being annoyed with myself for having had to re-learn the lesson about being sensitive. I learned it last week. But that’s how it seems to go. You improve one day, you go backwards the next.

We are pleased with our turn. Pleased that we remembered to like each other and take turns. Pleased with the moment he gave to us at the end. Pleased that we got up.

Luke is quiet and thoughtful on the train, with big soft eyes and his face stiller than usual.